Astrology Humor

The Astrology of the Lord of the Rings

by Steven Forrest
This article appeared originally in The Mountain Astrologer Aug. 2005. Reprinted with permission.

Tolkien’s masterpiece — and Peter Jackson’s brilliant three-part cinematic rendition of it — have clearly struck a powerful chord in the collective mind. That’s a sure indicator of a very direct link between the archetypal realm and the characters in the tale! And of course, the archetypal realm itself is in turn rooted in the actual structure of nature, as reflected in the planetary symbolism of astrology.

Trouble is, there are nine individuals in the Fellowship, but we have ten astrological planets. That confused me until I realized that, in fact, ten figures accompany the Ring on its way toward Mordor.

This is sure to be controversial (and that's half the fun!), but here’s how Frodo and his companions line up with the planets, from my own point of view. The majority of them locked into place quickly with only a little thought. In all honesty, Venus and Jupiter were my two “leftovers,” along with Merry and Pippin — but even there, I soon found a pattern that made sense to me.

The Sun: Aragorn. He's the charismatic King. The story revolves around his leadership. His presence has an impact on everyone, and he invokes admiration and respect.

The Moon: Sam Gamgee. His loyalty and commitment to Frodo, along with his tendency to shine by reflected light, suggest the Moon. He also displays a profound love of home and hearth, trumped only by his protective, nurturing devotion to Frodo, whom he tacitly defines as “family.” He is a gardener — a grower of living things. And he's a cook, too.

Mercury: Legolas. His hyper-speed quickness, his eternal youthfulness, and his sharp senses all point to Mercury.

Read more ...

Which pet would go best with each sign?

Aries: ­ Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!

Taurus: ­ A turtle: it's slow-moving, doesn't need a lot of attention, and won't compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--

Cancer: ­ Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured.

Read more ...

Sun Sign Prayers

by Nolan Myers
Thanks to a site visitor for submitting these!

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

Read more ...

How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

Read more ...

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences

This article first appeared in The Mountain Astrologer Apr/May 1996 issue. Reprinted with permission.

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

Read more ...

Get Our Newsletter

Featured Products

Login